The Fear of Not Being Good Enough

The easiest thing I’ve had to do recently is be single and not date. Because dating is the absolute worst. Unfortunately, I’m getting to a point in my existence where I find myself attracted to men and interested in the possibility of spending my life with one. *BIG SIGH*

HOWEVER (as previously mentioned) DATING IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST! ***looooooooong exhale***
Why is dating so hard, you might naively ask? It is not because the dating pool is small and shallow. It is not because hooking up is all everyone does. It is not even because of distance, thanks to technology. Dating is hard because, given a quality candidate worth your time, you may find yourself in a space where this person starts to find out about all the crappy things you’ve done or all the dirty little secrets, and the worst part… the real you. boom Boom BOOOOM!

It’s all rainbows and butterflies until you realize that all the good things you lead with (and still very much true to the real you),  like the winning personality, adventurousness, cunning wit, bright smile, and all the other -alities (spirituality, sexuality, mentality, individuality, originality, etc) all die when you start to really learn about those “not so great” things and worse show someone else that you are indeed not perfect either.

Don’t misunderstand. I’m fully aware that no one is perfect and everyone has their set of insecurities and mishaps, and every one should be able to experience love in spite of those things. The unfortunate truth is people don’t have to love you in spite of anything. People have choice and could very well choose to walk away from those good and bad things. Because sometimes, the good doesn’t outweigh the bad.

The fear that rises up from the depths of my soul is the thought of not being good enough. I’ve written about this before as far as when someone makes a choice to not want to be with you then it’s them making a decision for themselves and not having anything to do with you. Or some crap like that. At the end of the day. Shit is still scary when you are opening up to someone and they don’t like it and bounce. (Actually, you should go back and read the other post “Fear of Being Single, pt 1” I make some really good points 😁)

I actually find myself in a unique situation where I am being forced against my will (excuse the dramatics) to be real not only with a potential love interest, but with myself. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. The thought of someone knowing anything that could be deemed unpleasant or airing my dirty laundry, so to speak, has become very scary for me. And for good reason. You tell someone you killed a person and they are halfway out the door. Fortunately, I haven’t killed anyone…

BUT! I also find myself scared that I’m actually not an interesting person. And as much as I can list of the reasons why I am interesting… I also believe all those things fall short. So what is scarier.. Having bad qualities or having dull qualities? God forbid BOTH!

But honestly… the only reason me or some body else would actually be not good enough for anyone is because we believe aren’t.

What should be exciting about life is that I’m not done cracking the surface of who I am, and I’m open to learning more about myself. I’m not someone who is set in stone or can’t be molded. I can know who I am, and still learn about myself. For example, I clam up when things change in my life, and I do have difficulty opening up because I’m afraid of being misunderstood and mistreated. But that doesn’t mean I’ll never open up. It doesn’t mean I’ll be completely understood either. What matters is that I believe I am still good enough to be in a relationship because I’m patient with myself. And the person who is good enough for me will also be patient with me, and hopefully challenge my comfort zone at the same time.

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right” – Henry Ford

Yours truly,
Leonia Faye