The Fear of Not Being Ok, Pt. 2

I recently came across a quote on IG that stated you can rewire your brain to be happy by simply recalling 3 things you’re grateful for everyday for 21 days. After the week I was having, I thought this would be a cool challenge to do for the month of April. I think I can be very positive, but lately, I have had this cloud of negativity around me. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that I’m not happy, and I haven’t been for a while. Well, crying in my car in the middle of the night also helped me realize that.

Working through my pride and admitting when I need help hasn’t been easy. Especially, since I have masted the art of distraction. I simply just distract myself from everything going on and lie to myself saying that it is self care. Retail therapy, food, social media, games, and work have all been excellent distractions from facing the things that scare me the most.

When I came across the challenge, I tried thinking about the things I could be grateful for and I couldn’t. My headspace for the past week has been a combination of I’m tired, I’m alone, I’m frustrated and annoyed, I’m fat and out of shape, I’m stupid, I’m a failure, and I’m incapable of being loved. Ultimately, it’s been an uphill battle to grab onto any positivity to make it through the day, and I haven’t felt like I’ve had any peace of mind for a few months.

So coming across this gratitude challenge seemed like a good idea to change the negative energy and create a healthy headspace for myself. I realized that I had to be honest about where I was in admitting I haven’t been ok. I’ve been sad and scared because there are so many things I want to accomplish in my life, and I feel like I’m stuck. I know that’s not an uncommon thing to experience, but it’s still difficult to process. In high school, I was valedictorian, and the theme for my graduation speech was having a dream. In my speech I said, if you don’t have a dream or something you are working towards, you are dead. Of course, I ended the speech with something more positive, but feeling like I’m not working towards the things I want in life has left me feeling dead inside.

What is surprising to me is that my life doesn’t look like I am lacking purpose. In fact, I work myself to the bone. I have two jobs that I really enjoy, I have an amazing group of friends, I am getting some headway with my dissertation and finishing school, I work out 2-3 times a week, and I do my own personal therapy. BUT I feel lost and alone in everything that I do. I hadn’t been to church in months because I’ve been working every weekend and my schedule is so full that everything thing has just become a part of a to-do list instead of something I want to do for enjoyment. I find myself wanting someone to just understand that I’m struggling and help me, but I don’t know even know where to start or how to let someone in.

I’m not going to pretend like I know the answer, and I’m not going to pretend like I’m ok. I’m not even going to pretend like I’m going to readily accept help now. But I’m learning to honest about where I am. I’m not ok with where I am. I want to do the gratitude challenge, not just to be happier, but I want to be healthier. I want to give myself the opportunity to rediscover myself. I want to take a step back and gain some perspective on where I want to go. I hope it will challenge me to focus on what God has provided me as well as remind me what I’m living for. Ultimately, I feel like if I can be real with myself, I don’t have to pretend to be happy. I can just be happy when happiness comes.

“I can’t fake another smile.. I can’t fake like I’m alright.. And I won’t say I’m feeling fine.. After what I been through, I can’t lie.. Fuck a fake smile, smile.” – Ariana Grande