I live a very busy life. I’m a PhD student, a therapist, and I am a part of the children’s, youth, counseling, and communication ministries at my church. Because I’m a therapist and I’m all about self-care, I try to take care of myself too. That includes spending time with friends, dancing, eating right, cooking to save money, packing a lunch, working out when I have the time, getting out of bed, getting enough sleep, showering, remembering to put on deodorant (which I totally forgot to do today, but it’s ok because I showered!), budgeting, paying bills on time, and keeping my house and car clean. No big deal, right?
Low key, I panicked a little writing that because I have a lot to do. And each part of my life there is a looming to-do list with a thousand meetings to prepare for and go to. I know I’m not the only one that lives a busy life, but that does not take away from the fact that some days it gets hard. Some days I just want to stay at home and curl up in a little ball or say eff that diet, give me carbs and more carbs!
I remember one weekend at church I had about a million things to do. Friday night we had a youth bible study, Saturday morning I was in the youth sabbath school class, then after sabbath school, I was helping out in our children’s church service, after the children’s church I was back with the youth, and later Saturday night I was with the youth again for a social outing. So needless to say, I was completely burnt out by the end of the weekend.
Half way through the day, I told the youth pastor that I work with that I wanted to take the next month off. He laughed but eventually stated that if I really need it that he understands. I was grateful that he was going to be understanding, but I almost felt dismissed because he didn’t really ask if I was ok or why I felt like I needed time off.
So what did I end up doing? Did I express to him how I felt and the need for him to understand the gravity of the situation? Did I say “You don’t appreciate my hard work, I’m done!” Did I set healthy boundaries at all?? Nope. Not even a little. In fact, I told him never mind and that I didn’t need the next month off. *Long sigh and face palm*
Now you may say that I’m a pushover or people pleaser, but let me first say that people need me. People need me to be happy and energetic all the time. People need me to help them with their problems. People need my positivity! I totally have it all together, and people need me to motivate them. I can’t let them down!
That, my friends, is my pride. The real reason it’s hard to say I’m not ok or to set healthy boundaries is because my pride is so deeply engrained in my ability to help others. If I can’t be helpful, or worse, I need help, then I’m weak. My inability to be genuinely vulnerable is crippling. I operate as if I’m the only person who can do something, and things will fall apart if I’m not there. It’s crippling because it weakens the reciprocity in my relationships. Ultimately, people want to feel like they belong. They want to feel useful and connected to the individuals they care about. I take that opportunity away from others if I am the one doing everything for myself and them. It really sucks in intimate relationships because 1. I usually walk away like I am completely to blame, and 2. Who really is going to take responsibility for a failure when someone else readily accepts it.
But it’s deeper than my pride getting in the way. I’m also afraid of depending on others. As awesome as this world is… people suck! And trust is hard to build. Even if you’ve built the trust, you can still get hurt. So what happens when I’ve depended on someone, and they let me down? At least with my pride, I can put the blame on myself and fix it. What do we do with the fear of being let down?
It’s simple. Embrace that shit. People will let you down. People will disappoint you. People will break your trust. BUT.. People will also be there when you least expect it. Someone will show up in your darkest hour and brighten your day. If we risk our chance of having healthy balanced relationships by being prideful or afraid, then we will never experience healthy balanced relationships. God didn’t create us to be alone. God created us so that we can bear each other’s burdens and show each other love. My advice today is to not let your pride rob you of the opportunity be vulnerable. Vulnerability is where people and relationships have the courage to grow.
Yours truly,
LeoniaFaye
Hello Fear 