I’ve been single for a while, and I’m gonna say the thing that single, independent, Black, God-fearing, millennial women shouldn’t say. I’m tired of being single. But let’s be clear, I’m not desperate. And yes those two things can co-exist, because I’m not looking for just anybody. I, of course, want someone with substance, not just a warm body (but I’ll be honest, I want that too).
My point is that I’m tired of feeling bad for wanting to be in a relationship. For starters, society paints relationships to be great, and I was never the person who always had a boyfriend. I’ve had two significant relationships, but they were both on again, off again, most of the time being off! So, I’ve spent most of my life single. And I’ve loved my life! I’ve done some amazing things, and I have no regrets. However, there is a longing to spend and share this amazing life with someone.
And this is what I hear ON A REGULAR: “I can’t believe you’re STILL single”, “Just wait, work on yourself”, “You have time” blah blah blah. I know. I know I have time. But let me tell you how these first two phrases translate to me. 1. You’re so awesome… but why hasn’t someone tried dating you? Or Simply, on the surface you’re cool, but what’s wrong with you? And 2. Something IS wrong with you, and you need to figure that out before you can date someone. Plus anytime I hear any criticism about myself, I think, is that it? Is it because I have morning breath that I’m single!!???
Aaaaaaahhhhhhahahahahaa!!!
That would be the sound of my soul breaking (notice it’s a mixture of screaming and laughing because it’s slightly driving me crazy, lol). Now to give those individuals the benefit of the doubt, it’s possible they didn’t mean to break my soul. However, living in a world of constant criticism and “keeping up with the Jones”, I’ve internalized those comments as reasons to why I’m single.
The thing I’m more tired of than being single is asking myself what’s wrong with me. This isn’t a unique situation to me. Many women and men ask themselves this question. Can I present a different option? Instead of asking what’s wrong with yourself, can you ask what’s wrong with the relationships you pursue, or instead of thinking you’re not ready of a relationship, maybe you haven’t met the person ready for you.
I recently watched this video that talked about timing of relationships, and it simply said that when it’s the right relationship, each person will make the time to spend with the other. I reflected on my past relationships, and I thought about how I always made the time. I committed. But the other individuals did not. Therefore, it wasn’t the right relationship. And it was not that something was wrong with me that they didn’t commit. Maybe it had very little to do with me.
Here’s why I think that:
1. I’ve been told that I can come off as strong, intimidating, and, maybe to some, emasculating (only one person has told me that.. but it stung). But I’m not the only strong woman in the world. There are some FIERCE women who are in long-term, healthy relationships.
2. Even if I don’t speak my mind or use my God-given mental strength, and maybe become more docile, it hasn’t changed my relationship status.
3. I have insecurities, I struggle with feeling comfortable with my size, but women larger than me, the same size as me, and smaller than me are in relationships, too.
Being in a relationship is not cookie cutter. It’s not based on one personality type or on a certain look. So it’s not my personality, it’s not my looks, it’s not even the fact that I’m not always confident in myself that inherently make me undatable. Being in a relationship is about being compatible with someone. Just because I haven’t found someone to be in longer term compatibility with doesn’t mean I was made wrong, or that someone is incapable of loving me. So why do I badger myself to be everything I’m not or question what’s wrong with me because I’m not in a relationship?
I’m not perfect, and I’m still growing into the fabulous woman I’m becoming. I do have things I want to work on. I want to make better choices and learn more about who I am in relationships. The thing is, I don’t think healthy growth can come from negative self-talk. We only hurt ourselves and stunt our own growth when we constantly focus on our negatives and not realize the positives that occupy the same space. So, yes, I’m single, and I don’t always like it. But instead of living in a world that makes my singleness something wrong with me, I can accept that I have good qualities to add to a relationship, AND most important, if someone doesn’t want to be with me it doesn’t mean something is wrong with me or that I don’t have anything to offer. Life and death lie in the power of the tongue. I don’t know when I’ll find a compatible mate, but in the mean time, I’ll spend time speaking life into myself and my abilities.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
– Marianne Williamson
Yours Truly,
LeoniaFaye
Hello Fear 