Today is my birthday. And since my 25th birthday (just two years ago, lol), I’ve tried to do something new. When I turned 25 I went on this really wonderful food tour of Old Pasadena. It was a great way to do the one thing I love, which is try new foods! And on that food tour, I found a new love for balsamic vinegar and olive oil pairings. And yes, I feel very fancy saying that!
Then, when I turned 26, I started ballroom dancing! I actually started a month before my birthday, but on my birthday, I invited a few friends to a private group class. At the end of the class, I busted out a short salsa routine that my instructor and I had been working on. It was so amazing!!! I remember waking up the next day feeling like all my dreams had come true! I always wanted to be on Dancing With the Stars, and that night I felt like a star. Since then, I’ve danced in two showcases and two competitions, and I even won one of those competitions!
However, this birthday.. I had no idea what new thing I wanted to do. I actually felt very blasé about my birthday. Mostly because 27 is a weird number, but also, this past year was a tough one. 26 started out great, but half way through.. ish got real. But about a month ago, I had the idea that I wanted to start a blog. I had no idea what I wanted the blog to be about. But something just pressed upon me that I wanted to share my life and my experiences. All the good, bad, beautiful, and even lackluster experiences (maybe not too many lackluster ones.. I still want to have a following, lol).
So in thinking about the name of my blog, (because I wanted it to be all deep and existential) I had nothing. I had less than nothing. I tried to google cool names (since I’m a Millennial and that stuff is like important), and I still had nothing. I had no idea what to write about, and I had no title.
So I did what any good therapist would do (I’m a therapist, btw) and I reflected on what would be healing for me and also helpful to others. What has been my biggest feat and my biggest fear? And the idea of fear just stayed with me. Kirk Franklin has this album entitled Hello Fear and it’s one of my favorites. One of the first songs (again “Hello Fear”) is basically a breakup letter to fear. The first verse goes like this:
I’m tired of being broken hearted, so I made a list and you’re on it.
All my hopes and my dreams you took from me. I want those back before you leave.
Hello Fear. I know I would see you, you have a hard time letting go.
See these tears, take a good look cause soon they won’t fall anymore.
God’s healing my hurtful places. That seat that was yours now is taken.
I’m no longer afraid. See I’m better this way.
Never again will I love you, my heart it refuses to be your home,
NO longer your prisoner. Today I remember apart from you is where I belong.
Never again will I trust you.
And I was like yes! This is what my blog is going to be about. Conquering my fears! I was all “I am woman hear my roar!!!” Then… I sat on it for a month. Maybe jotting down an idea here or there, but not following through. And I’m like “Girl, this is your problem, you always back way from the things that you want the most.” Not necessarily the positive self talk I advocate to my clients, but I was frustrated. I told myself I wanted to use my talents, use my voice to empower others, and I can’t do that if I’m always acting afraid!
I want to experience my life as it is now, presently and not always live in the “could be” future. I have worked so hard in school in order to be successful in the future, but I am starting to feel like I’ve neglected living my life. As a Black, single, God-fearing woman, a therapist, a doctorate student, a dancer, and now a blogger, I refuse to look back at my 20s and say all I did was school.
So I said all that to say, for my birthday, I drove to the beach to watch the sunrise. And as I write this, I’m enjoying the freshness of the ocean…by myself. Because one of my biggest fears is being alone. I’ve done other activities by myself, but I want to continue to NOT use the excuse that I can’t do certain things because I’m single or because all my friends are at work (oh yea and I’m off.. ON MY BIRTHDAY!!).
My hope is to continue expressing myself with the hopes that it empowers others. This is just my intro post, but I hope to share more about myself as I continue facing my fears and living a full life. So welcome to my life.
Yours truly LeoniaFaye
P.S. I took me a few days to post this because I wanted to edit it a bit. I also went whale-watching, had dinner with friends, went to a swing club with my dance studio, went mini golfing, and did community service with my church during my birthday weekend!
Hello Fear 